It's Not Just About You
by Virginie24jb
Summary: **Spoiler Season 5 Finale - 5.24 Watershed** Castle had left her place, upset. He had ignored her calls... up until he finally accepted to join her at the swings, their swings, to put things on the table. Once and for all. [A/N : It began as a one-shot but I decided to turn this into a story of several chapters.]
1. Chapter 1

**_**Spoiler Season 5 Finale - 5.24 Watershed - ** _**

_This takes place after the scene shown in the first sneak peek revealed for the season finale. Just my shot at what could be their conversation about that. Though I'm pretty sure it won't happen that way. We'll see. Nothing funny about it but I hope you'll enjoy anyway!_

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_**It's Not Just About You**_

**Chapter 1**

Last night had been tough. He had left her place, had ignored her calls and had not showed up at the precinct the next morning. When she called him in the late afternoon inviting him to their special place, she knew it would be a complicated discussion they were about to have. But it was necessary, inevitable.

She was walking toward the swing set when she saw that Castle was already there, sat on his swing, gazing in the distance. She quietly approached, nervously putting her hair behind her ear as she sat down on the swing next to him. The tension was palpable. Castle didn't even look at her as he kept gazing in the distance.

"Any word from DC yet?" he asked.

Kate took a moment before answering. She had received an answer already. It was probably not the one he would want to hear as it was making things even more complicated for them.

"Yes," she paused. "If I want it, the job is mine," she said waiting for his answer.

Castle nodded, thinking. He had never doubted she could get the job. He would have even been supportive had she told him about the offer before taking the interview.

"You should take it," he said very calmly. He didn't leave her time to answer. Actually, she couldn't answer even if she wanted to. She was speechless. He had sermoned her about how this job would jeopardize their relationship and now he was giving her permission to accept it. "If that's what you want, if that's what matters to you, then go ahead."

"I don't understand," she eventually said. "Now you're okay with this?"

"Sometimes..." he started before exhaling strongly. "Sometimes you have to learn to let someone go. Even if it hurts."

"Castle, I don't want to-" she said, realizing what he was doing.

"_This isn't about you_," he quoted her. "Do you have any idea how cruel that was?" he said finally looking at her.

"I just meant that it-" she started but was soon cut off again.

"_It's about my life_," he kept quoting her. "Guess what? I'm part of that life. At least I'm supposed to, since we're in a relationship," he stressed, trying to keep the same calm tone all along. "Betrayed, Kate, that's how I'm feeling right now. At some point in a relationship it becomes about _us_. There are decisions to be made together, there are comprises to be made. Because you're not alone anymore. I don't know if you've ever been that far in a relationship before but I have. And I thought that's where we were at."

Kate took a minute before answering. This time, he sounded like it would be hard for her to make it up to him. He truly sounded hurt.

"It's easier to ask forgiveness than permission..." she said softly, hoping he'd agree with the saying.

"Crap," he answered sharply. "You think I would have convinced you _not_ to try, _not_ to go to that interview? How do you know? If you had explained to me why you wanted this job, why it was important to you, maybe we could have talked about it like two adults. We could have talked about moving there together, but now..." he said, shaking his head. "This is too late," Castle said looking deep into her eyes before looking away again. "You chose to do this on your own. Never mind what I thought, and what it meant for us."

"That's not true. And it shouldn't be one or the other. Why not have both? I never said I wanted to leave you for the job."

"And yet this is what it feels like. And I'm done with this," he said. Kate's heart raced. "I'm not going through this again," he warned her. Castle had been in relationships that had failed due to lies and lack of truthful conversations. "I was married before. I had serious relationships before, Kate. They left. Kyra left, Gina left and Meredith cheated on me. Tell me, how am I supposed to feel about you going solo? About you lying to me about something as important as moving to another city for a new job? About you not giving a thought about us, about where we're going-"

"Oh, I've thought about where we're going," she contradicted him. "I even asked you. But you didn't have an answer beside that lame '_to the bedroom'_. I take it you were scared to answer because you had not idea how to answer this. I'm sorry, but you can't blame me for having doubts about your commitment-"

"How dare you question my commitment, Kate?" he asked stunned. "Four years I've been waiting for you. Four years where I was by your side in the worst possible moments. Look back on those times. And then look me in the eyes." Kate unconsciously obeyed. True, he had always been there for her. "After everything I've done for you, with you... you really believe I'm not committed?"

"So you're saying you know where we're going, you know where you want to go?" she asked gently as though his answer could change her priorities and her decision regarding the job offer.

"Let me tell you something Kate, something you may not know. When you love someone, when you _truly_, _deeply_ love someone, like I do... you know where you want to go. There's no doubt in your mind. But you're also scared as hell. Because you know the more serious it gets, the further it goes... the harder is the fall if it fails, the more destroyed you'll feel if it fails. I've been there already. And that's how I'm feeling right now. I'm just happy it's happening now... and not five years from now, when we're married and have kids," he told her looking sharply at her.

This comment took Kate completely by surprise. So that was where he wanted to go, what he wanted for them.

"Castle, you need to understand. It looked like a great opportunity for me," she said coming back to her senses. "I have ambition, fine. I plan on not remaining a cop forever... Just like you decided you wanted bigger things and went from a story in an academy's magazine to writing best-seller novels!"

"Right!" he said standing up. "That's why you should take it," he explained sounding like it was ironical. "But please remind me, who complained about her boyfriend choosing his job over her? Oh, I believe it was you. What was his name again... Sorenson?"

_Touché_, she thought. He got a point there but she was not willing to admit it.

"It's different," Kate tried to defend herself.

"No, it's not," he answered in a flash.

"I didn't say I wanted to break it off-"

"Oh, so I'm just supposed to follow you to DC? Is that it? Well guess what, I'm done following you," he said before turning around to walk away.

"Rick, wait!" she exclaimed with an unsteady voice to hold him back. She quickly stood up to join him, her heart beating faster than it had ever beaten before. He slowly turned around to face her again, giving her a last chance to explain herself. "I would have told you," she said more quietly. "I never would have accepted that job without telling you about it. I never would have declined the job without telling you about it. But I didn't even think I would get it. I just wanted to see what it was like, I wanted to try something different, to give it a shot, what's wrong with that? I didn't tell you about it because I didn't think I would get this job anyway-" she explained.

"You said it would be a good opportunity. You wanted this job. Part of you rightfully believed you could do this. Don't tell me you don't feel up to it and that you don't want it."

"Okay, fine... Maybe. But I thought the odds were I wouldn't get it. I thought... why bother argue over this if nothing happens in the end, and I don't get the job? Then we would have been upset and all, all for nothing. I wanted to have a clear answer first. We could have discussed it then. And... I thought..." she said looking down, taking a minute to go on. "I didn't want to disappoint you," she admitted before looking up at him. He was looking at her, questioningly, not sure of what she meant. "The way you talk about me sometimes... You... have said several times how _extraordinary_ I am," she said as though she didn't share his opinion. She shook her head, pensive. "I thought... if I didn't tell you, then you wouldn't see me fail in case I didn't get the job," Kate said looking down, nervously playing with her hands.

"You think... I would have thought less of you if you hadn't gotten the job?" Castle asked, confused.

"Something like that..." she said shyly, embarrassed to admit it.

Of course what he thought of her mattered, even more now that they were together.

"Do you know me at all?" he asked gently.

"I'm sorry," she said teary-eyed. "I was wrong. I'm... I don't know what to do anymore."

"Right... I can see that." Kate seemed completely lost, unable to make a decision while Castle seemed to be standing in his position, knowing full well what he wanted, what he needed. "Maybe we both need some time to think, to get our thoughts in order." Kate looked up at him with a look of fear on her face. She knew what he was implying. A pause. "I can't do this, Kate. I've been lied to in the past. I've been cheated on in the past. There's no way I'm going back to this."

"Castle-"

"I know you're a strong, determined and independent woman, Kate. That's why _if_ we decide to go forward you need to understand, you need to _learn_... that you're not alone in this, that it's not just about you. I'm here. I have a word to say. It won't be just about _your_ life anymore... but about _ours_."

"Okay, I understand," she said, nodding.

"No..." he said with a little smile. "You need time to understand this, to be okay... with this."

"Rick..." she said stepping forward.

Kate tried to catch a part of his shirt, like she was trying to hold on to him, but Castle took a step back. She looked desperate.

"Same time next week. Here," he told her, staring deeply at her.

It hurt like hell but it was inevitable. No pain, no gain. Maybe they would come out stronger from this. Maybe not. All he knew at this moment was that they both needed time. Apart. They needed to get their priorities straight, they needed to get their thoughts in order.

"I..." she stuttered. "I need to give them an answer."

Castle was already walking away when he turned around and shrugged his shoulders. She had not asked for advice before. He would not give her any now. It was up to her.

"It's your call. It's your life, isn't it?" he told her a little more sharply than he expected.

But maybe this would work as an electroshock for her. He hoped so. She would learn it the hard way. Either it was her, her life. Or it was them, their life.

"Just answer this..." Kate said a little louder for him to hear. "Would you follow me to DC?"

Castle turned around again and stared at her for a moment. No advice. However he was willing to give her an answer on which she could base her decision and which would allow him to understand what was important to her, once she would have made this crucial decision.

"I would have," Castle said gently. If she had asked him before even taking that interview, he would have. He would have been supportive of her, of her career. "But not anymore," he added shaking his head.

_**To be continued...**_

_**Reviews are always appreciated! :)**_

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_Author's Note: Given some of the reviews I got and after some thinking, I decided to keep writing and turn this one-shot into a story of several chapters._


	2. Chapter 2

_Thank you very much for the nice reviews. You made me change my mind: this is now a story of several chapters. More to come._

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**Chapter 2**

Kate stood there as she watched him leave. He left her sight as he turned right outside the park. She was left there wondering what her future could be like. In DC, with an important job. But alone. Or here in New York, surrounded by her friends, her father and Castle. At the precinct doing the same job for a few more years.

She went back to the swing and grasped the chain, looking at where Castle had sat a few minutes earlier. Once again she was alone. No one was beside her anymore. The seat was empty. She sat on her swing again, holding the chains tight, as though she was trying to get the frustration out of her body. It was a deja-vu experience. She had been sitting there a year earlier, under the rain. Once again Kate had a life-changing decision to make. She realized that now he had given her an ultimatum. She realized that if she had told him, she could have had both. But not anymore. Now it was one or the other. The job or the boyfriend. Her professional or personal life.

What was harder to find again? Another job opportunity like the one that was within easy reach or a man who was ready to be by her side no matter what? Or maybe she still had a chance to change his mind, to make him come with her to DC, to have both?

Kate got lost in her thoughts, weighing up the pros and cons of both options when she got brought back to reality by the presence of a little boy. He climbed laboriously on the other swing. Castle's swing.

"Something wrong?" he asked in a little voice.

A shy smile appeared on her face.

"No, I'm fine," Kate answered.

The little boy scrutinized her, holding on to the chains of the swing not to fall. He wouldn't leave sight of her and tilted his head a little, wondering something.

"Why tears?" he asked touching the corner of his own eye.

With his gesture, Kate noticed his eyes. His blue eyes, full of innocence and mischief. Castle's words came back to her mind. _I'm just happy it's happening now... and not five years from now, when we're married and have kids. _This little boy was around five years old. This boy could be theirs, he could be their future. Same eyes, same hair... Kate bit her lower lip and awkwardly smiled at him without answering his question. It felt like her possible future had just paid her a visit. Kate looked towards the exit of the park where Castle had disappeared a few minutes earlier. She couldn't do this on her own. She couldn't get her thoughts in order. She needed help. She needed an external point of view.

# # # # #

Kate knocked at the door and hoped for her friend to be home. She was. Lanie opened the door a minute later, surprised to see Beckett on her doorway. Seeing the look of despair on Kate's face, Lanie knew she would have some comforting to do.

"Oh, sweetie you're alright?" she exclaimed. Kate simply shook her head without saying a word before Lanie invited her in. "What's wrong? What's going on?"

Kate slowly stepped forward and stood there in the middle of her leaving-room.

"I'm losing him, Lanie..." she said, worried.

"Who, Writer Boy?" Kate nodded, before shaking her head in incomprehension. "What happened? Come, sit down."

"There's something... I haven't told you. I haven't told the boys," she said taking a seat on her couch. They had done that many times. Lanie stayed quiet, waiting for her to open up. "Remember the drone case, with agent Stack?"

"Oh yeah, I remember him," she said with a smile as though he had caught her attention.

"He encouraged me to go to an interview for a job in DC. A job directly under the order of the Attorney General. And I did... I went to DC. That's why I was late on our latest crime scene," Kate paused, giving her time to understand the importance of the situation. It was a life-changing situation. "And I didn't tell Castle about it until after I went to the interview. He found a boarding pass at my place so I told him. He was all upset because I didn't talk to him about this offer _before_ I went to DC... I would have told him!" she defended herself before Lanie could say anything. "I just wanted to know what's what, if I had a chance to even get the job. Why talk about it if it doesn't lead anywhere?" Kate said speaking fast as though time was counted.

"Hold on, Kate... You interviewed for another job without telling him?" she asked with the same serene and reassuring voice she always had in those situations.

"I would have told him eventually. I was just waiting for an answer first."

"Are you serious about this job?"

Kate sighed as she looked away for a moment. No need to lie to herself, and to her friend.

"I'm considering it, yes."

"And it didn't occur to you that this would have a huge impact on him? I mean... not only is he your boyfriend, he's also been your partner for five years."

"I just wanted to see what was out there first. What's wrong with that?"

"Okay... okay..." she said trying to calm her down. They needed to take one thing after the other if they wanted to make sense out of all this. "Do you have an answer?"

Kate quietly nodded, pensive. It would have been so much easier if she hadn't gotten the job.

"The job is mine if I want it."

"Does he know?"

"Yes. I'm just back from a talk I've had with him." Kate suddenly felt tears coming back when she thought about the way they had left things. "He... wants us to take some time apart to think. He told me to meet him next week to talk about all this again."

Lanie realized how serious the situation was and how much Castle had taken it to heart.

"May not be a bad idea, Kate..."

"I'm supposed to give them an answer tomorrow! And I have no idea what to tell them," she said almost in panic. "What am I supposed to do?" Kate noticed the look on Lanie's face. Lanie was concerned to see that her friend did not know what was more important to her. "I... I love him, Lanie. I care about him a lot. But this job... You know my career is also important to me. And this is a great opportunity. I became a cop because of what happened to my mother but now... It's done. I found who's responsible. So maybe it's time for me to move on, for good? You know what I mean?"

"I understand, Kate. You want bigger things for you career, I get that. It's not surprising coming from you. But... Do you know if he's willing to go with you?" she suggested.

After all it seemed like the best and most simple solution.

"He said he would have. But not anymore. That's what he told me. It doesn't make any sense! Now I've got no choice but to choose one or the other. It's either the job or Castle. It's not fair."

"A lot of things are not fair, sweetie. But... if I may," she said cautiously, not wanting to offend her friend. "Take a step back. You were already in this situation before, except you were in Castle's shoes. Sorenson broke up with you at the time to take a job in Boston. What did it feel like?" Kate was about to object but Lanie didn't give her time. "Don't tell me it's different because it's not. You used to complain about Josh putting his job first and not being there for you. Now you have found a man who's there for you... but you're walking away from him."

"I'm not walking away from him!"

"So he's just supposed to follow you?" Lanie asked nicely.

"No, that's not what I said. And he won't anyway! That's not even the point anymore. He said he doesn't want to go back to those kinds of relationships, full with lies... because he's been there with his marriages and other relationships."

"He's been hurt before, Kate. It's understandable. The guy went through two marriages that failed so maybe he needs time, maybe he's not sure where this relationship is going and that's why he wants a pause."

"Oh no, apparently he knows where he wants to go..." she said sarcastically.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Lanie was trying to decipher her tone.

Kate was shaking her head not understanding what had been happening between them for the last couple of weeks.

"A couple of weeks ago, when I asked him straight in the eyes where he thought we were going, he didn't answer. And today he tells me he's happy this argument is happening now... and not years from now when, quote, _we're married and have kids_, unquote."

"Oh my..." Lanie said her eyes wide open. "You, Kate Beckett,... have found a man who's ready for commitment, who's thinking long-term relationship, and let me tell you this ain't easy to find, and you're doubting whether you should choose him or a job..."

"So, what? I'm just supposed to do what he wants?"

"That's not what I said." Kate sighed strongly. "You used to do things on your own. You've always made decisions depending on you, and you alone. This is not a criticism. You did this because it was your life and that it was up to you to choose your path, what you wanted and what you did not want. This is a big change for you. You need to take into consideration what he needs, what he wants. That doesn't mean you need to accept and agree with everything he says and asks. But you need to take his opinion into consideration, you need to build this together. Because you're not alone anymore."

"You sound just like him," she noted.

Lanie had just used the exact same words. _You're not alone anymore_. In other circumstances this would be a positive, comforting assertion.

"From now on, the decisions you make have an impact on somebody else too, not just on you," she continued.

"You think I should decline the offer and stay here with him," Kate deduced.

"I know that if I were in your shoes, that's what I would do. If I had found a man who was devoted like that, willing to risk his life for mine, I would choose him." Kate let her head fall backward on the couch, staring at the ceiling and sighed strongly. "Some people work to live and don't live to work. Others, on the other hand..." she said letting Kate figure out the rest. "Which side are you? Is your job what dictates your life-"

"That's not fair, Lanie. You can't blame me for wanting to evolve professionally."

"I don't blame you for that. It's your right and sometimes we need to evolve. I'm just saying that now may not be the time for that. You are in a rather new, important, relationship. At a critical point. You should tackle one thing at the time. Who says that once you two are settled and have a stable relationship, another offer won't come your way?"

"I don't even know if he'd take me back... What if I decline the offer and he breaks up with me next week? I find myself losing everything."

"Jeez, you two make things more complicated than they should be," Lanie sighed.

"What do you mean?" Kate asked looking back at Lanie.

"When we look at you two, it's obvious you are meant for each other. It's obvious you can't stay away from each other very long. And yet... you always find ways to complicate things. You've kept secrets from each other that almost destroyed you, before you even were together. You may not want to go down this road again."

"You're not helping, Lanie," she said frustrated to hear about this again.

"I'm your friend. I'm not supposed to tell you what you _want_ to hear, sweetie. I'm telling you what I think. What I believe is true. And truth can hurt. Just like lies do... You lied to him for a year pretending not to have heard him tell you he loved you. How is he supposed to feel like when you lie to him again? Again about something as important as this?"

"He lied to me too-"

"I know! You're not a saint, he's not either. You both lied to each other. We agree on that. But let me ask you this. Look back at the past year and tell me... have you ever been happier in your life? Because from as long as I've known you, I don't reckon you have."

_**To be continued...**_

_**Reviews are always appreciated! :)**_


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Martha knew her son. She knew that something was wrong when she saw him on the couch, a glass of whiskey in his hand, the open bottle on the table. Her usual joy and enthusiasm disappeared in a second at the sight of her son so gloomy. Castle had told her about the argument he had had with Kate the night before but Martha had no idea how he had handled it since.

"Oh Richard!" she exclaimed. "I take it you talked to her..." Martha said as she joined him to the living-room. Castle absent-mindedly nodded. "And it didn't go too well."

Castle kept quiet, his look lost on the ground as he leant forward, resting his arms on his knees. He took another sip of whiskey.

"She got the job," he just said.

Martha kept looking at her son trying to read more explanation on his face. In other circumstances, he would have been happy for her.

"And... did she take it?" she ventured as he would not say anything more.

"She hasn't decided yet."

Castle was even more worried now that she had gotten the job. Knowing her, there was a fifty-fifty chance she would take it. He sighed when he heard his phone ring at the reception of a text message. He checked the screen. It was her. He simply turned it off and put it back on the table.

"You're not answering?"

"May be cruel but she needs to learn. She needs to understand we can't keep doing this. Not this way. I told her... we'd see each other in a week."

"You broke it off with her?" Martha asked, surprised her son would do such a thing with a woman he was so in love with.

"No, I just... We need time," he said resting backward on the couch. "I told her I wouldn't go with her to DC if she took the job. Not anymore. Not after she lied to me like that, _again_."

"Oh, oh..." Martha did, worried.

"What?"

"Be careful, kido. You just gave her an ultimatum. Now she has to choose between you and this job. Either you're gonna be heartbroken because she'll choose the job over you, and you'll realize that all those years waiting for her have been for nothing... Or she stays but will resent you, blame you for not being able to progress professionally and for ruining a grand opportunity. This would not be a very healthy relationship. It may not have been the best thing to do."

"So what are you saying? I'm just supposed to let her get away with it and follow her, whatever her choice is?"

"No, of course not."

"She should have told me," he defended himself. "Fine, she would have told me eventually when she would have gotten an answer... but that's too late. I'm... I'm not just her boyfriend. I'm her partner. I'm sure that if Esposito was offered another job, he would discuss it with Ryan. I've been with her all those years, we've saved each other's life... I may not be a cop but she knows how much this consulting work is important to me. Her decision will not only affect her, it will affect everybody she works with and people who... people who care about her," he explained his point of view. "I told her when I got the offer for the James Bond book series. I didn't lie to her. I didn't go behind her back."

"Yes but she's not like you, you need to understand that. She won't do things like you, she has her own way. She's a strong independent woman. With ambition."

"And stubborn too. She's unable to get her head around the fact that it's not about that offer, it's about the fact that she didn't come to me, she didn't tell me about it."

"Maybe she was scared to tell you about this opportunity because she feared your reaction..." Martha guessed.

"Oh please! That's... That's a lame excuse, that's..."

"She told you she loved you?" Martha asked out of the blue after staring at her son for a moment.

Castle looked at her questioningly. What did it have to do with anything?

"She did," Castle said defending her.

He didn't doubt her feelings for him, not after what she had done for him, not after this year spent with her.

"When?" Martha asked, already knowing the answer. Castle just looked at her mother understanding her point, but not agreeing with it. "Right, when she was standing on a bomb thinking she was going to die and that she was never going to see you again. Has she told you she loved you since?"

"This is not the point."

"It is. She seems unable to face her feelings unless she's facing death. Will she be able to do it this time so that it makes her choose you and not this job? Honestly, I doubt it."

"At least I'll know for good."

"Don't say that. You'll be heartbroken, devastated. I know you. I'll have to scrape you off the ground..." Martha said, worried to see how her son would take a break-up.

It would be yet another woman leaving him, either for another man or for a job opportunity.

"It feels like whatever we do, whatever we decide, it won't be the same anymore," Castle wondered out loud before resting his head backward on the couch, chuckling nervously.

"What's funny?"

"Nothing. I just remember what Alexis told me a few years ago... Being in love is exhausting," he said before looking at her mother.

Martha could real despair in his eyes like she had never seen before. Kate Beckett had become more than a muse to her son, more than a simple inspiration for a book. After everything they had been through, he could not lose her.

# # # # #

Kate Beckett had her back to the wall. She was supposed to call them, to give them a straight answer before the end of the day. There was still three hours in front of her to do so but the reality was that she still had no idea what to tell them. Even after Lanie's advice.

She feared that being unable to choose and not calling would cross her off their list immediately. Nothing ventured nothing gained. Kate decided to call them anyway.

"Detective Beckett!" Anthony Freedman answered. "I was hoping you'd call. Is that a yes?" he said excited, already ready to give her instructions and advice to move to Washington.

"Not exactly..." she said.

"You're having further questions about the position maybe."

"No. Everything is clear," Kate said trying to keep a determined tone not to make her uneasiness come across.

"So you're having doubts," he said with some disappointment.

Kate stayed quiet for a moment. Of course she was having doubts. And not just about this job.

"I... I may need a few more days. This is a big decision and... it will affect other people too," she said, explaining her request of having more time in order to make a decision.

"I see... Is that personal? A boyfriend? You do understand that this job requires a high level of commitment and that we cannot accept that your private life would interfere with your ability to provide work of a high standard?"

"Of course, I understand that very well, Sir."

"Alright..." Kate did not know if that was him accepting her request. "Someone else is very much interested in the position, someone who has all the abilities and skills required. Just like you," Freedman explained to her. "The first one to call to give us a positive answer gets the job. Good luck," he said before hanging up.

She knew that the fact that her personal life was not stable for now was a drawback for them. Maybe that was a way to do it. A way out. Not having to choose because the other person would have already called...

# # # # #

Castle had not eaten that night. Not hungry. Not even thirsty anymore. A glass of whiskey had been enough. Nothing was strong enough anyway to make him clear his thoughts, to make him forget her for a little while. Two hours had gone by since the talk with his mother and he was still on that couch. Thinking, wondering. He was unable to get her off his mind. Was he doing the biggest mistake of his life?

When Castle opened the door, he found himself taken a year back. She was there standing on his doorway all over again.

"What are you doing here?" he asked dryly. "We said in a week-"

"We need to talk."

"Kate-"

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm the way I am. Yes, I'm interested in this position. You can't blame me for wanting more of my career," she started.

"You don't understand, do you?"

Or maybe she did, but she voluntarily dodged the real problem.

"You won't be able to consult at the precinct forever. I need to move forward too. And it's not fair to-"

Castle took a deep breath.

"That you want this job is not the problem," he stressed raising his voice. "I completely understand you want more for your career, you want to evolve, you want to have more responsibilities. I get all that. The problem is you didn't tell me! You would have told me about that interview, about that job offer, I would have been supportive, I would have told you go ahead, take it! Because you deserve it, because you're up for it."

"Then why don't you-" she asked again, desperately hoping he would let her have both.

"I'm _not_ going to DC with you. And, by the way, I wouldn't have _followed_ you. I would have come _with_ you. I'm a writer, trust me there's a difference. I take back what I said a few years ago, we're not Turner & Hooch! Because I'm not a dog following you around. I'm your partner at work even though I'm not a cop. I'm your boyfriend, the man with whom, if we're serious about this, you're gonna spend a long time with. Except you don't behave like that. I feel like you push me away every time there's something bothering you, when it should be the opposite. I should be the person you go talk to."

"Castle-"

"Let me finish," he said sharply. He was worked up. He needed to get it out of his chest. "One year ago," he said a little more quietly, "you came here and told me you wanted me. All you wanted was me. And now you don't even include me in your decisions. You don't even ask my opinion... What happened? What did I do that you trust me anymore? Or have you ever trusted me? _This_..." he started, looking her deeply in the eyes. "This is what you should think through. This is what upsets me. Not the fact that you're interested in another position. Now please... we said in a week," he repeated getting his hand ready on the door handle.

"Why not talk now?" she said nicely.

Why not simply get it all out now so they could put everything on the table? She needed to give them an answer and he was not helping in any way, as though he was dragging things out on purpose.

"I need time. Again, it's not just about you. I need time to think, about us. About what I want and what I'm willing to do and accept. I'm gonna leave for a few days tomorrow. You won't be able to reach me. I'm sorry," he apologized. He was not happy to do this but it was necessary. "We have to do this. We deserve better."

They kept staring deep into each other's eyes. Kate nodded slowly. It had always been a long bumpy road for them but now they had reached a crossroad. What would they choose? Would each of them choose to go on their own way or would they choose to keep going forward, together, hoping the road would get a little smoother in the future?

Kate did not say a word as she turned around to leave. She was tired to fight. She looked back at him one last time before she would disappear completely.

"Good night," she said gently.

"Night," he answered.

There was no _tomorrow_. It was simply _night_... not knowing when they would see each other again. Who said Kate would actually come to the swings next week if she chose the job in DC? There was no tomorrow, for now.

_**To be continued...**_

_**Reviews are always appreciated! :)**_


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Castle had left for the Hamptons. Why stay in the city anyway? But even here, everything reminded him of her. Every room reminded him of her. The garden where they had taken their breakfast, the bedroom were they had had some fun, the living-room where building their theory had aroused them both.

Lain in bed, Castle was thinking. He had no will to get up. He was feeling helpless, powerless, unable to resist these feelings he had for her. She was a complex, frustrating, challenging woman. But he couldn't help but love her. The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing... It couldn't be more true. She had her flaws. He had his.

Castle had had to scratch and claw for every inch, but it had been worth it. It had started as a simple attraction for whom he perceived as a hot woman. But he had loved everything he had learnt about her. Every little thing he had discovered about her had made him fall in love with her a little more, not just desire her. Wasn't that the best way to fall in love with someone?

# # # # #

"Beckett?" a voice called her from the distance. "Kate?" Ryan insisted.

When Kate looked up, Ryan and Esposito where standing in front of her with papers in their hands. They were staring at her.

"You haven't listened to a word he said, have you?" Esposito deduced when he saw the look on her face. Kate had been brought back to her senses. She felt like she was waking up from a dream. "Are you sure everything's alright?"

"Yes..." she whispered. "I'm sorry you were saying?"

Ryan gave Esposito a look before starting from the beginning again.

"We looked at the financial of our victim. No suspicious activity except for last week. She removed $2,000 from her bank account. The same amount we found on the account of Jeremy Simons. I asked the daughter of the victim, she's never seen him before. We still-"

"How old is the daughter?" Kate asked.

Ryan and Esposito looked at each other. How was that relevant?

"Seventeen. Why?" Esposito answered.

Kate shook her head, looking down.

"I can't do that..." she wondered out loud.

She couldn't let those people down. That was why she had chosen this job in the first place, besides the injustice about her mother that she had wanted to fix.

"Kate?" Esposito asked, seeing something was definitely off in her behavior.

"Go talk to that Simons again tomorrow morning. I want to know what that money was for. I'll go see Lanie to see if she found something new," she said getting up before heading to the break room.

It was late. Everybody had left already and Ryan and Esposito were about to do the same. Ryan asked Esposito for a second, before following her.

"Kate?" he asked nicely.

Kate was about to make coffee, but she couldn't find the force to do it. It was one more thing in that police station that reminded her of him. She looked up at Ryan, who seemed genuinely worried.

"How did you know she was the one? Jenny, I mean."

"Right when I first met her," he said with a smile. Kate smiled tenderly at him. She wished it was that simple for her. "What's going on, Kate? Where's Castle? Have you two... broken up?"

"No," she said as though she was certain of it. Actually, she hoped not. She didn't even know how to call this. "We took a week to think... about what we're doing."

"If I may... you look like crap. Actually, that's how I knew," he realized. Kate looked at him questioningly. "I realized that every time Jenny showed up, I felt better. On the opposite, I felt like crap when she wasn't around," he told her. "It's gonna be fine. You two can't stay away from each other very long anyway," he comforted her. Everybody Kate knew was saying the same thing about them. Why was it so obvious from the exterior and so complicated from their point of view? "We walk you home?"

Kate shook her head with a little smile.

"No, thanks. I'm gonna stay a little longer. I still have some paperwork."

"Beckett-"

"Good night, Kevin. You should go home," she said gently.

Kate thought of him going home to his wife. They were married. They were fine. She looked around the floor as she walked back to her desk. She was the last remaining cop in this dark, lifeless room. That was a glimpse of what her life in DC would be like. At work until late at night, and back to work early at dawn. No one to go home to. Actually, this was not a life.

# # # # #

She had stayed at the precinct as long she could but she had to go home eventually. She feared that moment she would come home to an empty apartment. She had been alone for a long time before but for the past year, she had become accustomed to having someone with her. Someone with whom she could share dinner, a good laugh, stories and more. One of Castle's shirts was still in his drawer. The one he'd sleep with. She sat on the side of the bed, the shirt in her hands. She was happy no one could see her as she buried her face in it. She felt pathetic, like an addict clinging to the last remaining dose available.

She couldn't fall asleep. Instead, she decided to go to her office to tidy the paperwork that was all over her desk. _Tidy_ was a big word. Taking the pile of paper and putting it in the drawer was a more appropriate description. That was when she stumbled across Royce's letter she had preciously kept over the years.

_Now for the hard part kid... It's clear that you and Castle have something real and you're fighting it, but trust me putting the job ahead of your heart is a mistake. Risking our hearts is why we're alive. The last thing you'd want is to look back on your life and wonder if only._

Once again, it seemed obvious for everybody else.

No one had been that close to her. No one knew her as deep, as well as Castle did. She had never let anybody in that way. But was she ready to let him in some more? Was she ready to risk her heart?

# # # # #

Sat on that chair, Kate realized it had been a while. She didn't think she'd come back. She was not sure it was a good idea after all. How could he possibly help her on this matter? She got up and was ready to leave when the door opened.

"Detective Beckett. It's been a while... which is a good news really, for people like me," he greeted her. "Come in..." he said inviting her in. "I presume that if you're back... things are again a little complicated. Please take a seat, make yourself comfortable," he told her as he sat in his armchair. "How can I help you?"

He hadn't changed a bit. Dr Burke had kept the same calm voice and his simple presence was reassuring.

"I got a job opportunity in DC."

"That's great! Congratulations."

"No it's not..." she shook her head. "I went to take the interview, and I didn't tell Castle about it. He found out afterwards. Now he's upset that I didn't come to him, that I didn't discuss it with him before going to this interview. And now he tells me he won't fol-" she stopped remembering Castle's word. "He won't come with me to DC," she rectified. "I have no choice but to choose one or the other. Castle or the job."

"I see. And you have no idea what to do."

"Is it supposed to be easy?" Kate asked, feeling like no one was understanding her, maybe because no one had been through this.

"Of course not. There are things we desire, we crave for. Sometimes we reach a point where it becomes an impossible choice. That doesn't mean you don't love him," he reassured her. "It just means you don't know if you're ready make some compromise for _someone_... as it may be something you have never done before."

Dr Burke was scrutinizing her, he could see her struggle. There was something else. This was not about the job. It had never been. It was just an excuse.

"He's gonna hate me..."

_Putting the job ahead of your heart is a mistake._

"Because you chose the job over him?" he asked, waiting for a few seconds before adding what was supposed to open her eyes. "Or because you ran away and didn't give him and your couple a chance simply because you were scared?" Kate looked at him, stunned. Seeing he was on the mark, he went on. "You and Castle have a complicated history, to say the least. You lied to him about not hearing his declaration of love. For almost a year."

"It's not relevant-"

"With all due respect, Kate, I'll be the judge of what is relevant. And this is relevant. You and Castle trust each other with your life in critical situations. You really are two partners having each other's back, who rely on each other, who can go through hell and back together. But as soon as it becomes personal and involve intimate matters... you shut down, you don't let each other in anymore. Why is that?"

_It's clear that you and Castle have something real and you're fighting it._

He was good, she had to admit it. He could read her like an open book.

"I... I don't know..."

"Have you ever been that far in a relationship? Has anyone ever been that close to you and as important to you?"

"No," she said shaking her head as she looked through the window.

"It's been a year if I'm correct. It's normal to start asking yourself questions, especially when you've never been there before. But your struggle is all about fear. You need to ask yourself the right questions, in order to overcome it. Once you've overcome that fear... it will be much easier."

"Yesterday, I was at the station. Esposito and Ryan were briefing me on the case and I couldn't focus. I kept... I kept staring at that empty chair." Kate was ready to cry, struggling to get these words out. She felt she was about to reveal her weakness, her vulnerability, a feeling she had no control over. "Why do I need someone that much?"

She was scared of the fact that she relied on someone else that much. It had never happened before. She had always been independent. She felt she was loosing that independence, that free-will because her life depended on someone else. On Castle. It had always been about her but now someone was just as important to her.

_Risking our hearts is why we're alive._

"This is the right question," he said with a tender smile. "Why do you need _him_ so much?" This wasn't just _someone._ It was Castle. "This shouldn't scare you, Kate. It is normal. It's a good thing. You are in love with someone. You need that person to be around. But you need to understand that it is not because you need that person to be by your side that you cannot do anything without him. You can still make your own decision, you can still be independent. But you need to consider that person, Castle, and his needs too," he paused. "Having someone by your side should be comforting, not scary."

_The last thing you'd want is to look back on your life and wonder if only._

_**To be continued...**_

_**Reviews are always appreciated! :)**_


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

_Having someone by your side should be comforting, not scary._

She could hear this sentence over and over again on her mind, as though she was trying to drum it into her own head. Dr Burke was right. It had been comforting at times. It was comforting to have arms to nestle in, to have someone to talk to, to laugh with. But it was daunting as well to have someone so precious. What if she lost him, like she had lost many people in her life or like those men who had walked away from her? That was what Castle had meant on those swings. The fall is even harder when you really care. She was scared of the fall, just like him. And her fear paralyzed her, made her unable to move forward, to take that important step forward.

It was daunting to think of your life being tied with someone else's. Forever.

Dr Burke was scrutinizing her, looking at her every move. Their eyes would briefly meet at times but she would immediately look away. She knew what he was waiting for. She had not said a word yet.

"How are you feeling?" he asked very nicely.

Someone had to engage the conversation, otherwise it would have been one long sitting of silence. Kate shrugged her shoulders in despair, shaking her head as she kept looking towards the window. The answer was obvious.

"Like crap," she said a little more sharply than she expected. She felt silent again. Dr Burke did not insist and just gave her time. She took it. Another long minute of silence went by. She nervously tapped on the armrest of her seat. "Everybody I know..." Kate finally said, "tells me things like... we are meant for each other, we can't stay away from each other," she paused. "Why does it seem so simple and obvious for them? And so complicated for us?" she asked finally looking him in the eyes. "It's like they see something we don't."

Dr Burke cracked a tender smile.

"It's the other way around." Dr Burke said very calmly, his eyes locked on her to be able to analyze every reaction. Kate looked at him, perplexed, not sure of what he meant. "_You_ see something they don't. All they have is an external point of view. They don't have an insight on what's going on between you. They don't know your inner thoughts, the conflicts you may have with yourself. It seems a smooth ride from the outside when really it's not. Obviously, another possible explanation would be... they are right. It is, in fact, very simple. And things are complicated because you make them complicated. It could be that simple... but you're so scared, it raises doubts and questions that render this relationship more _complicated_ than it should be."

Kate felt like she had every right to be scared. Who wouldn't be in such circumstances? It was an important decision. And it felt like an irreversible desicision to her.

"What if... What if I decide to move forward? To go further in that relationship? What happens then?" she wondered out loud. "It will always be about him? Everything will depend on him..."

"Being in a relationship is moving forward _together_, side by side. It's not a master-slave relationship, Kate. You'll never belong to him, you'll never belong to anyone else but yourself. Keep that in mind. You won't be trapped if that's what you're afraid of. You can decide to leave at any moment, provided it is for the right reason. Fear is definitely not a valid reason. But it is true that sharing your life with someone is sharing your time... and sharing your space," Dr Burke said hinting at an essential and inevitable step in this relationship.

"I've never... lived with someone," Kate said understanding where he was getting at. Yes, this scared her. She had never even tried as there had never been anyone that she had loved enough to move in with. "And... it feels like abandoning a part of me, and some of my freedom, in a way..."

"_If you want something you've never had, you must be willing to do something you've never done_'," Dr Burke said leaving her a moment to internalize it. "You've never been that close to someone. You want a life with him? You will have to do things you've never done before because you've never been in that situation before. You will have to go through steps that you've never taken before. It looks scary. I understand. But it is necessary. You will have to go beyond your fears if you want to reach this life, this kind of relationship, that you desire."

But was she ready? Did she have the courage to do it?

"I've always lived on my own, I've always made decisions depending on me... and me alone," she said remembering what Lanie had told her. Her friend was right. "I mean... I'll never be able to be on my own ever again."

"Why not? You can still, and it's recommended, do things on your own. Go out with your friends without him. He'll do the same. You don't have to do everything together. It's probably already the case. After all he's a writer, right? So, I figure he takes some days to write while you are at work."

"But when I come home, he'll always be there. There won't be a place I can go to where I'd be alone. He'll always be there with me."

"You don't want him to be there with you?"

"Of course I do," she said in a sight. Dr Burke raised his eyebrows at the sound of this interesting answer. She had just admitted it without even noticing it. She wanted him by her side. It was simple. "But if I need a moment alone..." she repeated.

"You can still have that, Kate," he reassured her.

"How?"

"Communication is the key. You _tell_ him you need some time on your own to be with yourself. So he'll go out with his friends, or he'll go to his office and write, while you'll stay on your own doing whatever it is that you want to do. Again... you don't have to do everything together. You won't be conjoined twins. You'll be a couple."

Kate sighed deeply. It was all about fear. What if she was not made for a living as a couple, or even a married life? Deciding to move forward, to share her life with someone felt like a decision she could not go back on and that would shake every habits she had.

"Kate..." Dr Burked said pausing for a moment as he leant forward. "Let me give you an example of how being with someone is comforting. And there are many more, this is just one," he added. "Often, people lose one of their parents and they are alone. They have no boyfriend, no wife... It's generally the hardest experience they go through. And you know what I'm talking about," he said looking deep into her eyes. She had been there. "Years later, they unfortunately lose their second parent. In many cases, comes this moment they are settled. They have a husband or a wife. Children. The experience is still hard, painful, but somewhat a little easier to deal with. They have someone to lean on, someone to go through this with, someone who will be there to comfort them, to help them, to make them realize that life goes on, that they still have people around them. They are _not_ _alone_. Again, having someone by your side is comforting, not scary." Kate thought about how she had felt when her mother was killed before thinking back on those times she had fought to find the truth about this murder. One man had been by her side all along. A man she could lean on. "That person's often your best friend, with whom you'll share a lot, but not necessarily everything," Dr Burke said to reassure her. "Having someone by your side is comforting..." he started, "but _choosing_ that person and _deciding_ to have that person with you for the rest of your life is scary. It's a huge step into the unknown. Once you've overcome that... once you've taken that step, the rest of the walk is worth it." Kate was shaking her head struggling with an internal voice of caution. "May I ask you something?" Kate looked up at Dr Burke and waited for his question. He kept talking with the same soft, reassuring voice. "It's been three days. There are three more to go. How do you feel about the next thirty years being like the past three days?" Kate bit her lower lip. It had been three days since that talk on the swing. Three days until the next one. Her second visit to Dr Burke was not about the job anymore, it was all about _them_. She had called Anthony Freedman. She had given him an answer. "What is more scary? Being alone for the rest of your life? Or having someone who'll always be there for you... with you?"

**_To Be Continued..._**

**_Reviews are always appreciated! :)_**


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